Our Sad Loss

This past week has been filled with all sorts of ups and downs. I feel like I am finally ready to write about it and let people know what's been going on. So, on August 19 we had the best day we could ever ask for. We found out that our counter-offer had been accepted and that we were going to sell our house. It was such a relief to know that we would be moving forward in our plan for the future. Later that night, we learned of another exciting thing...we were expecting! I had taken a HPT and was ecstatic to see the positive result. I began to cry because of how happy I was. I immediately thought about Ry and Bentley and how excited they would be. I decided I would tell Ryan as soon as he got home. I wrote a little note that I would give to him that said, "READY OR NOT..." and wrote on my belly "HERE I COME!". As soon as he got home, I gave him the note. He stared at it--obviously confused. Then I showed him my belly. He was so excited! We also told my mom that night. She too was so happy. As the days went on, we kept our little secret to ourselves for the most part. I told a couple of close friends but that was it. We knew we were headed to Hawaii September 25 with my dad, Ryan's parents and sister. We were planning on telling them there.

For several weeks, I hadn't really felt any pregnancy symptoms but thought maybe I was just lucky with this one. I had little bouts of nausea and was definitely fatigued some nights. We were in the midst of moving and as you can imagine, we were very busy with that. Last Tuesday I knew something was wrong. I decided to make a call to my doctor and they wanted me to come in for blood tests the next day, so I did. Then I went in on Friday for another blood test. Later that night, the nurse called me to tell me my HCG levels were rising just as they should and the pregnancy was healthy and strong. Wow! What a relief! We were excited and happy about that.

Well, Sunday came and things weren't right again. There was spotting. I called the doctor again. She wanted me to take it easy that day. For the most part, that is what I did, with the exception of going to our ward sacrament meeting for the last time--I was going to be getting released and I wanted to say good-bye to the Young Women. Not to mention, we had been asked to bear our testimonies at the end. I felt strongly that I needed to be there. The doctor told me to call Monday to schedule an ultrasound just to make sure things were okay.

My appointment was Tuesday morning at 7:30. After waiting for what felt like forever, we were finally called back. I was very hopeful and had faith that things were going to be okay. Especially since I had just been re-assured that my levels were normal. As the tech put the device on my belly, and moved it around for a while he turned the monitor towards us and showed us an empty gestational sac, but then said it could just be too early to see anything. Since I had been charting my cycle for 3 months, I knew it wasn't too early. My dates were accurate. At 8 weeks, there definitely should have been something to see. At that moment, I knew our little dream had been shattered. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to hold them back and not break down there in the room. He told us we would get a call later that day with the results of the ultrasound.

We were silent in the car--I think in shock and disbelief. Could this really be happening? We both decided to go to work. On my way, I just couldn't go in. I wasn't feeling good. I went to my dad's and walked in my room. I broke down. Literally screaming and crying into my pillow. I felt so sad and angry. After falling asleep I got a call. The nurse apologized to be the one to tell me that there was no fetal movement or heartbeat detected on the ultrasounds. Well, it had been confirmed. My mom and Ryan came straight over.

By the end of that night, I felt I had no more tears to cry. It was so painfully sad.

By today, Friday, I am feeling much better and feel that I have accepted this and am coming to terms with it. I found out that the miscarriage was caused by a chorionic hemorrhage. Basically there was a blood clot that formed outside the placenta which had a slight tear in it. I feel the sadness for sure every day (and allow myself to be sad) but I am also very hopeful for the future. I have to keep looking forward rather than back. I have great support from friends and family and it gets me through the day. This amazing arrangement was from my co-worker gals and it sits on my desk.

On a good note as well, we closed on Wednesday and handed over the keys yesterday. Needless to say, it has been a crazy emotional week. I will be grateful for a much needed vaca to Maui next Friday.